Why Getting Help During Menopause Will Save Your Sanity

Many of us menopausal mavens have been taught that it’s better to give than to receive. Asking for what we need feels vulnerable. After all, the person we’re asking may say no, and then what?? #Rejection ☹️. Perhaps you’re worried that making a request will make you seem pushy-er than a push-up bra. But consider this: a push-up bra is normally the thing giving support while giving is a selfless gift. Those who know how to ask for and receive help fare better on their menopause journey. So, let’s dive in and help you seek help to save your sanity during this life stage.

Why Is Getting Help During Menopause Important?

Getting help during menopause benefits you by creating safety (physical, social, and emotional), helps you process your feelings, and fosters intimacy. it builds and strengthens friendships, helps you move through grief, and gets you answers to your many menopausal questions. Last but not least (but certainly not limited to just these), it helps you see a different perspective, develop a plan of action, choose treatment options, and feel more connected (less isolated).

The fine folks over at the University of Minnesota teach us: “Social support, whether from a trusted group or valued individual, has been shown to reduce the psychological and physiological consequences of stress, and may enhance immune function. Social networks, whether formal (such as a church or social club) or informal (meeting with friends) provide a sense of belonging, security, and community.”

“In fact, social support is now proven to be a literal life-saver. People that are supported by close relationships with friends, family, or fellow members of the church, work, or other support groups are less vulnerable to ill health and premature death. Individuals afflicted with [serious illnesses] have higher survival rates if they have extensive social support. There is also a strong tie between social support and measures of wellbeing. Those who have close personal relationships cope better …”

As Barbara Streisand sang in the 1964 Broadway musical Funny Girl, “People who need people / Are the luckiest people in the world.” Listen to Babs, and enjoy needing and being there for other people.

What Stands in the Way of You Seeking Help During Menopause?

Yet, even though the benefits abound for getting help during menopause, many of us still shy away from it. Why?

Sometimes, the single biggest factor in getting help is knowing what’s getting in your way. This list will help you identify if you’re getting in your own way and help you pinpoint your precise needs. Answer “Yes” or “No” to the questions below: 

• Am I too exhausted or tired to seek help?
• Am I too irritable to look into options?
• Do I feel lonely, isolated, or disconnected but don’t know how to reach out?
• Are treatment options too costly for consideration?
• Do I have health insurance to cover medical treatments, including doctor visits? 
• Do I think that estrogen is the sole solution?
• Do I have information-overwhelm from the differing and vast amount of recommendations? 
• Am I confused by which healthcare provider(s) I should see for my many menopausal symptoms?
• Do I have a trust issue with Western medicine—the treatments, the doctors, or the system in general—that is causing me to put off doctor’s visits?
• Do I put myself on the back burner because I am focused on taking care of others or tending to my responsibilities?
• Do I feel stuck, not knowing the right questions to ask? 
• Have I sought help, not gotten helpful answers or treatments, become disillusioned, and stopped seeking further help?
• Do I track my symptoms daily but not trust the results or my intuition?
• Do I feel guilty for asking for seeking help during menopause?

A single “yes” answer means, well, YES! You are your own obstacle, preventing you from managing menopause with ease. The good news is that the first step to fixing it is identifying the problem. Congrats! Now you can get out of your own way, figure out what you need, and ask for help getting it. 

How to Reach Out to Get Help During Menopause

Since we’ve already established that many menopausal mavens are pros at giving but not so hot (despite all those flashes) at receiving, the first step to getting help is identifying what you can give to yourself.

YOUR attitude, awareness, and actions make you, by far, the very best asset for navigating your menopausal life phase. Why? Because YOU control your mindset. YOU choose to educate yourself. YOU track your symptoms. YOU decide your own self-care practices, the treatment options you want to try, and the healthcare providers to visit. And only YOU determine which people to communicate and connect with—your partner, friends and family, and other menopausal mavens online or IRL. 

The best gift you can give yourself during this life stage is the gift of empowermint. That means trusting your gut and taking action to get what you need.

Decide Who to Reach Out To

Ask yourself these questions to determine your ideal resources for professional help, information, and emotional support:

• Do I have medically-related symptoms that could use a little help from a pro?
  
  If your answer is “yes,” then resources such as doctors and nurse practitioners (find great recommendations here), naturopaths, herbalists, physical therapists, pelvic floor therapists, and many more are at the ready to diagnose and prescribe treatment.
  
• Am I ready for help, but am experiencing information overload?
  
  If you answered “yes,” then we’ve got some good news! We’ve consolidated the options for you. Check out our must-read menopause books, our top-recommended menopause podcasts, the most helpful online menopause communities, the must-download menopause apps, the best menopause products, and a summary of the best treatment options.
  
• Do I need emotional support?
  
  If you’re like most owners of a uterus experiencing menopause, then the answer to this question is a resounding, “DUH!” If that’s the case, follow this rule of thumb: First, identify who you already feel emotionally safe with. Second, reach out to those people you just identified. Third, use the suggested phrases below to make asking for help easier.
  
  If you need additional support or if you do not have people in your life you feel emotionally safe with, consider contacting a licensed therapist or a life coach who specializes in the menopausal life stage. Take it from someone who could have bought a luxury vehicle with the money she’s invested in therapy over the years: It works! Learning that your feelings are normal and valid, processing your emotions, and connecting with someone who truly gets it is worth its weight in gold-plated chocolate bars.

Ask for Help

Once you’ve identified who to reach out to for emotional support, check these three things off of your list: 1) state your struggle, 2) be vulnerable, and 3) ask others specifically for what you need. Here are some phrases to could consider when reaching out to your support system:

• I’m feeling [list the specific emotions that you’re feeling related to menopause] and I’m struggling to process my emotions. Will you help me by lending a listening ear?
  
• I’m feeling alone and I need connection. Will you help me by spending some time with me?
  
• I’m feeling overwhelmed from information overload and am not sure which course of action I should choose to help with my menopausal symptoms. Will you help me by listening to the various options I’m considering and giving me feedback on what you think are the next best steps?
  
• I’m in pain because of my menopausal symptoms. I know I need a healthcare professional’s advice but I’m not sure where to begin. Will you help me figure out who to see and what questions to ask?
  
• I need to see a healthcare professional about some of my menopausal symptoms but I’m unclear on what I should say or the questions I should ask. Will you help me create a list so I feel more prepared?
  
• I’m grieving some of the changes I’m experiencing during menopause and I’m struggling to process my feelings. Will you help me by letting me share what’s going on?
  
• Menopause seems like a mystery and I’m struggling to figure it out. Will you help me sift through the information?
  
• I’m missing [list what you’re missing: your pre-menopause weight, sex life, regular periods, feeling emotionally stable, etc.]. Will you help me move through these emotions by listening to me?
  
• I’m feeling really down about some of the menopause changes I’m experiencing. I don’t even know what to do or what to ask for. I think I just need to distract myself. Will you help me?
  
• I’m going through a rough patch with menopause. Will you help me by checking in on me regularly?
  
• I’m falling behind on my self-care. I could use an accountability buddy. Will you help me? What if we send a “check in” text once a day?

What To Do After You’ve Reached Out for Help

One of the most common responses people have after reaching out to others for help is feeling shame for sharing something so deeply personal like needing help. Spoiler alert! No one is perfect! Seeking help is normal. Even so, if you find yourself in a shame storm, rinse and repeat the steps shared above by stating your struggle, being vulnerable, and asking for additional help. Also, be willing and prepared to help others in need. By helping those who help you, you’ll be part of a supportive relationship. (Unless it’s a therapist, in which case, no need to support them, their job is to listen. This is why friends aren’t therapists, and vice-versa. Yay, boundaries!)

As Brene Brown explains in this video, shame cannot exist when spoken and when met with empathy. Talk it out until you can take in the emotional support you are after. Simply share one of these statements with someone you have emotional safety with:

• “Hey! I am feeling a lot of shame after asking for help and getting emotional support. Will you talk me off the ledge?”
  
• “Wow! I’m really struggling to take in the wonderful emotional support you gave me. I’m feeling a lot of shame for asking you for what I need. Can we talk this through some more?”

It’s a Wrap!

As is the case with a lot of personal things, communication is key. My biggest piece of advice when it comes to getting help is this: identify who to reach out to, pinpoint what you need and ask for it, and make sure you accept the emotional support by steering clear of shame. Menopause can be a battle, but you don’t have to fight it alone. Use your resources, and if you need help, swallow that pride and ask for what you need. You’ll be glad you did.

There’s a reason the Beatles sang the line 🎶I need somebody🎶 and followed it with 🎶Not just anybody🎶. Only YOU determine which people to communicate and connect with—your partner, friends and family, and other menopausal musketeers online or IRL. Only YOU can ask for the help you need. So, do it! And, if you don’t receive the support you need, then by all means reach out to others in this life stage (join our FREE online Facebook Group here to connect) or find a healthcare professional like a licensed therapist. Like “the truth” in the 90’s TV hit The X-Files, help is out there.

Sources

• https://www.takingcharge.csh.umn.edu/social-support
• https://www.google.com/url?q=https://portal.menopause.org/NAMS/NAMS/Directory/Menopause-Practitioner.aspx&sa=D&source=editors&ust=1627066271267000&usg=AOvVaw1azRikERWGWMGkYi0ed9N1
• https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GEBjNv5M784&feature=youtu.be

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